You Didn’t Know I Could Act?

How the slightest statement can throw your confidence

College was a time of huge change for me. A-Levels were the next step to university, I no longer had to wear a uniform, and social standing suddenly meant everything. I had to like the right music, watch the right TV shows, be seen with the right people. At least, that’s what I thought. I found myself more comfortable in my own skin than I had expected, despite the ever-changing condition of my skin making it hard to attract girls. Having found a decent level of maturity at school after a period of being bullied, I was confident in my start at college. I made friends, I was happy in my lessons and I was getting good grades in my homework.

At the end of my first year, I took part in two theatre productions that would have a huge impact on me. The first was as part of an extra-curricular group. Machinal by Sophie Treadwell is still a production I look back on fondly. A heavy drama, I played one of the leads which was as far removed from my own self as was possible at the time. The director was one of my drama teachers and she had huge faith in me that brought out a performance in me I never knew possible. My confidence was sky rocketing.

The second was part of the A-Level Theatre Studies course I did. A production of Shakespeare’s The Tempest. Although not a lead role, I played the comedic character of Stephano, the drunk butler. With a pair of actresses taking the roles of Caliban and Trinculo, we made our scenes extremely memorable. Confidence was once again at an all-time high.

Getting to this stage was huge for me. Not only had I got through my first year of college, but every play or show I had ever acted in had led to this. All the youth theatre and drama club roles, whether featured or chorus, had been worth it to get this feeling of elation. I was happy with myself and even happier receiving compliments from the audience. Family and friends were genuinely happy to congratulate me.

And then, I spoke to one other. She was in the year above, someone I’d always gotten on with, someone whose mother helped direct me in school productions not that long ago. I said hello, and she said “David! I didn’t know you could act.”

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The words echoed in head for what felt like hours but had only been a few seconds.

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“David! I didn’t know you could act.”

I couldn’t form a response, and so I mumbled something and went elsewhere.

I could not help but feel slightly insulted. I know those words don’t look insulting, but like so many phrases it sometimes depends on the way they’re said.

Questions instantly ran through my mind. What could she have meant by that? Was I so poor in previous shows that this performance was a revelation? Had I tapped into some hitherto unknown part of my ability that I tapped into her psyche and emotionally moved her? Or was she just an absolute tool?

I have no doubt today that she absolutely did not mean to insult me. I am sure it was a case that previous times she had seen me, which were probably few and far between, did not showcase the best of my abilities. At the time, however, it was a huge puzzle in my mind. I had been so happy and confident in myself. Was I just deluded?

After consultation with family and friends, I was determined not to let it get to me. I saw the second year of college through, and while my grades did slip over time, I still passed with enough credit to move onto university. Despite many obstacles, which I may recount in future blogs, I graduated and can say that I have an acting career.

I would be lying if I said that that inadvertent insult did not get to me. In many ways, it still does. Moments like that can last a lifetime, especially when I’m at a low point in my confidence. In these days of social media trolls, it can be even worse. But I have to remember that things like that need to be taken with a pinch of salt.

Confidence in your ability is the foundation of everything you stand for, so I turn that incident into a positive. When I feel that comment come up in my mind, I play out what I should have said at the time:

“David! I didn’t know you could act.”

“No? Damn right I can – and you know it now!”