Staying the Course on a Yellow Brick Road
When your best doesn’t seem good enough…
Many of my previous blog posts have been to do with getting through certain situations and attaining the goals. But what if the goal still feels miles away when you feel it should be within reach?
For clarity, the following story will not contain anyone’s real names, neither fellow actor nor company. I should also say that I have had issues recently with ruminating, which I have been doing in the writing of this. It’s taken a long time to get through, but the ending is positive, so hold tight!
I used to work extensively in children’s theatre, taking pantomimes and adaptation of literature to schools across the country. I was becoming such a dab hand at the style this company performed, I was frequently asked to be a cover actor — to be brought in at a moment’s notice to learn a show and take over a role. Sometimes I would have a weekend to learn and rehearse the show, others I would learn during the last week of the individual I was taking over from, so I could hands-on learn the show. On rare occasions, I’d have to learn it that day, on the train or plane to wherever the team happened to be.
I forget exactly how much notice I’d received, but in early 2010, I was confident heading into taking over the role of the Tin Man in a production of The Wizard of Oz. It’s a piece of work that very few people in this industry are unfamiliar with. The 1939 movie was a constant favourite of my sister and I, with both of us having been involved in many productions of it while growing up. I even had my first taste as an assistant director and stage manager for some of those productions (blog about one of those times coming soon!). For this five-person production, I was taking over from another actor playing one of my favourite roles. The Tin Man was a character I knew very well, so I wasn’t too worried at the notion of learning the show the night before we were due to resume the tour.
Having been provided the script a week beforehand and learning it, we rehearsed the show as best we could in a small living room, and all seemed well. I even put myself through the paces of the choreography for “Jitterbug Boogie” long after the others had gone to bed (I was VERY quiet, just so you know!). First day on the show went well enough, so on we went. I was also meant to play role of Dorothy’s Uncle Henry in the opening scene. To help as I got used to the show, the cast had me focus on getting Tin Man right before going onto that part. The actor playing Scarecrow filled in for that time.
After a week or so, it was time to start learning Uncle Henry and the quite complicated “twister” scene change. The cast had adapted the opening scene up to this point to help me out, so I needed to step up to fill in the full roles that had been left. Learning the lines was fine, but for some reason when it came to acting it out, the Uncle Henry character just wasn’t coming to me. I fell short of coming up with anything that was fun to watch or clicking with the other cast. While I took the responsibility of this, I couldn’t help noticing that some cast members were getting overwhelming frustrated very quickly with meAs such, they were being less helpful. The Twister sequence involved some complicated timing, for which I clearly didn’t get right soon enough (note for anyone who wants to do this sort of theatre — yelling at someone does not help!)
I am not saying they were completely wrong to be frustrated. When you get used to doing a show in a certain way, someone else coming in to take over a role and doing it in a slightly different way can throw things. Add to that the fact that I came in with a reputation for being a super-understudy! I’d previously joined tours at short notice and slotted in very quickly. Imagine my frustration when this particular part of the show JUST WOULDN’T STICK!
Eventually we decided to keep things as they were with the parts and, eventually, I got the twister correct, but the frustrations continued. One cast member clearly didn’t like me as a person or an actor, making sly digs about my not doing everything exactly as my predecessor had. They were obviously very close and they missed them, so whatever I did was bound to be wrong. Another colleague started messing up on a certain move in the previously mentioned Jitterbug dance, but apparently it was my fault getting the timing wrong. I was also given very picky notes for general delivery of lines or characterisation. I wouldn’t have normally minded, and of course I would act accordingly to those notes, but it seemed to be making my performance worse each time. Add to the above the day when my costume wasn’t packed (which was my responsibility, despite not being told that fact), and I was very much feeling like an outcast.
How did we deal with the lack of costume? Let’s just say we had a lot of silver spray paint…
I believe it all came down to a lack of acceptance that I wasn’t exactly the same as my predecessor. With this style of touring production, although the blocking can be the same, you have to find a way to accept how the understudy portrays the characters. It’s not like an understudy taking over for one night in a big show where every direction is regimented. Sometimes you have to go with their strengths and what they bring to a character. I felt my portrayal of Tin Man was very faithful with enough of my own quirks to make it my own, but every day I felt like I was headbutting a wall — nothing was good enough.
It came to a head when we had a visit from one of the company’s directors. This as a regular thing where someone would come along to a show day to how everything was going and give us some notes if they were needed. On this day, I really felt I needed to deliver. While I didn’t do anything outlandish, I performed on this day as I felt I needed to. I shunned the picky notes I’d received and played the part how I felt it should have been played. I thought I was going to receive a lot of criticism, by cast and director alike, so imagine my surprise when the director said to me: “Dave, that was the best acting I’ve ever seen from you”.
I almost cried. I couldn’t believe it. While others were getting notes about exits being too long or seeming to steal focus, I simply was told it was the best she’d seen from me and to keep doing what I was doing. This was a lesson to me for future shows to trust my instincts more. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I would just do what I wanted. I mean that when I’m given a direction, I am more confident to take it and make it my own.
My time with the team was only temporary, as a prior commitment meant I too was to be understudied. It seemed the team took to the new fella a lot more than they ever did to me, but I understand that I don’t gel with everyone. I don’t have a problem if certain people didn’t like me. In this case, I felt it was their issue and they did very little to rectify it.
I want to state for the record that, despite how it may sound, I bear no ill will towards the cast I worked with during this time. One of them I had previously toured with and had no issues with at all. If anything, they kept me going through it. The other three I worked with again after this tour and all was fine. This tour was not without its moments of fun, with us all pulling little pranks on each other during the shows and enjoying a few drunken nights in and out. My detailing the more sour points of the tour is a major part of my dealing with ruminating, where writing about this has meant reliving a lot of my issues. I’m also sure that much of this experience was due to me being paranoid.
When it comes to understudying this kind of production, my advice to all is accept what you have. If the understudy plays the part differently, try to accentuate the positives and work to their strengths. If you’re understudying, take direction and do your best to make the transition as smooth as you can. Try to understand that the team you’re going into was most likely a tight unit and it’s not just the onstage time that’s being affected. Being open to change is the best thing to do, for all involved.
But most of all, if you feel nothing is going right, just try to stay the course. It could be the best you’ve done to that point.
