Memories, Triggers and I
How do I move on if I can’t let go of what’s behind me?
Goodness me, time flies! Right after I say I’ll do this weekly, nearly a month has gone by since my last entry.
I would make an excuse, but that would drag down the intent of today’s blog. It’s another personal one, so strap in folks, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!
I’ve never liked confrontation. Even if it’s one that is on the lighter side of the seriousness scale, I am never comfortable with it. I can discuss amiably certain subjects and debate my side of a discussion appropriately, but I always feel myself about to lose that intent if in a confrontation. I was quick to lose my temper as a child. It took me a long time to learn to ignore bullies and brush off the schoolyard name calling, but by the time I got to college, I really think I’d learned to control it.
Fast forward too many years I’d like to mention, and I’m here writing this about the fact that just about every confrontation or argument I’ve ever had lies in my brain just waiting for a moment to torture me.
I’m sure everyone reading this has at some point remembered an event of something from their past that they can relive. I have no idea how many events people generally can recall in this much detail, but it really feels to me like I have more than average. And it’s not even significant memories. It’s a random argument on a tour over someone getting up earlier than others on a weekend. It’s a small incident on a journey that caused no actual harm, just a minor inconvenience. It’s a row that ended up not going anywhere but I still feel I should have argued better.
These things seem to come up mostly when I’m driving. If the journey is along a certain route, then certain things will trigger those memories. A recent trip to perform a party saw me pass a spot where, years ago, someone pulled out in front of me nearly causing an accident. I suddenly found myself reliving the whole thing, picturing the whole scenario and recounting what I said, and in some cases what I should have said. Along the way, my brain decided to remind me of other arguments:
“Hey David, remember that time you argued with [redacted] about her saying you were driving too slow when you were actually going the correct speed limit?”
Yes brain, but I was right
“But what if you weren’t? What if she was right? Also, remember when you couldn’t handle the criticism that you weren’t delegating enough responsibility to your panto team and they felt you were treating them like children?”
Yes, but I’ve come to realise they had a point and we sorted it.
“Did you though? Did you?…”
Before I continue, I want to clarify something — I am a very good driver! Nothing that I have described has stopped me from being alert and responsible. So don’t worry about me on that score. It also doesn’t effect my persona at parties. I’m always friendly and fun when I need to be.
What I’ve come to realise is it does effect my home life. I came back from that day very tense and ratty. I just didn’t realise it. My partner thought something was off and, while walking into town for an improv show, I discussed what I had been feeling and what had been happening. Once talking about it, I felt a whole load of tension released from my chest and suddenly I was breathing better and felt light as a feather.
While I will always try do not get into these mind prisons, torturing myself by replaying these incidents, it does make me wonder why they ever happen. Maybe it’s a maturity thing. While I’ll always be democratic when it comes to the resolution of a conflict, maybe there’s a part of me that hates the fact I may have been wrong or that others didn’t see things my way. Plenty of times when these reenactments in my head take place, I find myself changing the way they happened to suit a more favourable narrative.
Maybe it’s due to my sensitive nature. As I said earlier, I’ve always had a problem with confrontation, so maybe I have an issue with separating the reason for the confrontation from it being something personal. My being overly sensitive makes it hard to not take things personally.
One of my favourite films is Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. It tells the story of a man getting over a relationship break up by having a doctor use technology to pinpoint their brain’s memories of the individual and literally erase them. This idea in itself would probably help me tremendously in this scenario. I don’t want to have these horrible memories. I don’t want to have to tell others of my years of touring and have those tales be clouded by unfortunate experiences which may have tainted my opinion of certain individuals.
I was going to list more considerations as to what this could all be about, but I am no psychiatrist. I have no idea how to deal with this nor what it could all come from. All I know is I need to let it go. All of it. And I don’t know how.
I’m expecting anyone reading this to give me the answers. After all, isn’t it infuriating when you have a moment where you’ve bared your soul an issue similar to this to someone, only to have them respond by saying “You should probably let it go”?
If I could let it go, then I would do.
But, as with many things, discussion is key.
What I would love to know though is how do you deal with things like this? Do you experience this on the same level as I do? Maybe even more? Please leave a comment with your thoughts.
Just try not to confront me on it, yeah?
