I’ve not been okay and that’s a good thing
It’s been a while…
Last week on my regular appearance on Extreme Improv’s live Friday afternoon show, we came to a game where we had to make up jokes about certain jobs. We were given the opening line of “99 bloggers walk into a bar….”
Cue my fellow improvisers then using me as the punchline. As the only regular blogger in the group, it seemed an appropriate response. However, I was slightly mortified. This writing marks my first blog in four weeks. I haven’t blogged since my Desert Island Discs post. How can I be called a “blogger”?
I wasn’t fazed by the mild joshing, but it made me think about the last month. It’s been tough.
Aside from an amazing Valentine’s Day, which traditionally is many people’s most down day of the year, every week in February has had an impact on me.
First and foremost has been my family. My dad has had some scary health problems. Getting a frantic message from my mum asking for help due to his inability to get up from his bed due to dizziness and sickness, to medication that hadn’t been working, to calling for an ambulance to get someone to give some kind of diagnosis that the local GP just wasn’t giving him, it was a trying time doing as much as possible at a distance (and yes, i complied with distancing rules, before anyone gets angry).
It has also been difficult trying to do something completely new and believing in myself that it is good enough. A recent blog of mine detailed tips on being in voiceover work. I said it then and I’ll say it again — I am brand new to it. The list was entirely to do with things I felt could be used to successfully do the job. In the weeks that have followed, I’ve wondered exactly who I am to give any of this advice. In putting together demo reels, I have had a huge case of imposter syndrome. I have been taking ridiculously long doing them due to complete lack of faith in my ability — not just to produce them, but to promote them.
Self image is always a problem for me. In the last year, I’ve been the heaviest I’ve ever been. While I know I am not massively overweight, it is still not a pleasant image looking back at me in the mirror in my eyes. I have been exercising and walking, which does help, but I can never seem to get to the stage where endorphins kick in. Is that just me?
While the good news that the vaccination process is going well is very welcome news, the new stages of advancement mean I still won’t get back to regular performing work until the summer. Other local theatrical events I was to be part of last year are still pipe dreams. This realisation hit me hard too.
Improv has been a great lifeline. Alongside the already mentioned streaming shows for Extreme Improv, I co-host regular Zoom jams for Southend-based group The Laughter Academy. This month’s was a fine affair, but as soon as I signed off, I felt like my enthusiasm for everything just vanished, like my body just got very heavy.
I’ve also not been sleeping well. I have sleep apneoia, for which I sleep with a mask on connected to a CPAP machine, which helps me breathe in the night. I have a feeling my body is not too used to it and I’m very easy to wake up.
All this came to a head the day after the jam when I felt like I needed to nap in the late afternoon. I lay in bed for about five minutes when suddenly I just burst into tears. I was inconsolable. My partner rushed in to comfort me, but when she asked me what was wrong, I couldn’t give her an answer. I didn’t know.
She helped me lay out things that have been happening recently that could have contributed to this outburst of emotion. Everything that I have laid out in this piece.
At the start of the first lockdown, my reaction was to take everything as it came. I wasn’t going to let things get to me. I think this was the result of too much denial. While I have had moments of worry, I have on the whole chosen to look at the bright side of things.
And I still do. I have regular improv shows to flex my comedic and creative side. I have learned new skills in Photoshop and video editing. I have managed to do performance work in the differing stages of the tiers.
And most importantly I am living with the love of my life whom I could not possibly have gotten through the last year without.
But too much denial has clearly not been good for me. I guess the point of this blog is that it really is okay to not be okay. A lot of people have had it a lot worse than I have, and I hope this post has not seemed like whining.
I still choose to not let the events of the last year get me down, but if they do, then that’s okay. Things will get better.
My dad has.
